A few people have asked about what kind of “script” we use for 30yoBs, as well as asking for our HTML templates. We aren’t a third rate PHP Wordpress site you fucking mouth-breathers.
I’ll go through some of the infrastructure details of our system below, read on if you’re a serious nerd/hacker.
• The majority of the business logic of the site is written in COBOL. Our file serving system as well as our emergency backup system is written in Ada, a language suited for writing life-critical systems. We were forced to use Ada after a Panamanian court ruled that our site needed to conform to standards for writing life-critical systems because if the site went down, many of our users would die as a result of the blood rushing out of their penises from not being able to view hentai.
• The site runs completely on a single IBM AS400 server computer that I’ve hooked my comatose vegetable uncle up to via a brain-computer interface(BCI). We use a heavily modified variant of nginx we developed in-house that can interface with him via insulin injections and electric shocks that cause muscle spasms. A rectal rehydration tube supplies him with nutrients to keep him functioning.
• We use IBM System R as our database.
• Our images are all stored on magnetic tape drives in an IBM 3850 Mass Storage System.
• For search, we have imprisoned hundreds of Chinese children in our underground dungeon. During their shifts, they are chained to desks equipped with feeding pipes and terminals with an uplink to our database. When a search query comes through, they query the database and perform pattern matching by hand to generate results. The first to come up with results gets a small amount of gruel siphoned through his feed pipe. The children who don’t perform well enough are not fed, and eventually die of starvation. Their corpses are consumed by the other children.
• Everything is housed in our corporate headquarters, a defunct Soviet missile silo under 24/7 supervision by armed guards.
Before you ask, no, you probably couldn’t implement it easier/cheaper.
What happens when you visit a page on 30yoBs:
1. Request arrives. Comatose uncle uses the rudimentary motor function he has retained to encode the request data into COBOL-readable format and stamp it on a punch card using a jerry-rigged desk sized keypunch. The massive brain trauma my uncle has sustained has granted him the savant-like ability to process many requests concurrently with extreme efficiency.
2. A robot arm feeds the punch card into a reader attached to the IBM AS400. Application determines the necessary data to satisfy the request and prepares it accordingly.
3. Another robot arm equipped with a barcode scanner retrieves the tape drive(s) containing the requested images(if any), from the IBM 3850.
4. Drives are read by the AS400, data is serialized and sent as a response.
During peak load times, we’ve found that we sometimes need to beat my uncle and threaten to disconnect his feeding tube if he is not serving requests fast enough.
Hi everyone, we got out first email today. I've redacted the sender's name for privacy:
I would like to complain about the lack of hate speech on 30yobs. It doesn't go far enough I want to see some real negro lynchings.
Also some form of skin verification to ensure the purity of the site.
We got news now